JAN CAIMANO - Jan\'s Blog

Why I Watch 'Say Yes to the Dress'

Fri, 11 Oct 2019 12:44:27 GMT

Recognizing the relationship of both self-image and body-image to self-confidence and need for approval.

As a child, I never dreamt about becoming a bride. I never imagined my own wedding, wearing a beautiful wedding dress and walking down the aisle to marry my Prince Charming.

So why have I been watching every single episode (and even the repeats) of 'Say Yes to the Dress' for the past five years?

'Say Yes to the Dress' is a popular reality TV series that follows brides as they search for the perfect wedding dress with the help of sales consultants in Manhattan's famous Kleinfeld Bridal and Atlanta's Bridals by Lori. I'm addicted to both versions of the show, although I couldn't care less about the bridal gowns themselves.

After watching each episode, I’d be hard-pressed to remember if the wedding gowns featured that day were made out of lace, silk, chiffon, taffeta, satin or burlap. I couldn’t tell you whether they were embellished with Swarovski crystals or sequins, or were voluminous ballgowns, demure a-lines or form-fitting mermaids. My husband, who was amused 30 years ago to find that I’d purchased a simple off-white silk skirt and a champagne colored tunic from Loehmann's sale racks (on two separate days) to marry him in front of our immediate families and a few best friends in our home, was shocked to see that I had set our DVR to record each episode.

In trying to explain to my clearly bemused hubby why I was so attached to the show, I realized that the two things I remember most from each episode were how the brides searched for wedding gowns that matched their ideal self-images, and how difficult it was for them to cope with the negative comments about their physical attributes made by their families and friends.

Self-Image: the ideal becomes the goal

Most often in the show, there is a disconnect between how the brides want to appear and what their entourage wants them to wear on their wedding day. They are hoping that their ideal self-image – how they would like to think of themselves and have others view them – will be realized when they put on the right dress.

A surprising amount of the brides (of all shapes and sizes!) want to look sexy for their future husband on their wedding day. They are clearly saying that they've shed their younger identities and are moving on to a new, more mature phase in life - often to the acute embarrassment of their parents. Other brides hold on tightly to their childhood fantasies and insist on dressing like Disney princesses, even when confronted with their peers' attempts to get them to try on something more fashion-forward.

Some of the brides are looking for a dress that represents their personality, while others are searching for a look that will impress their guests. I've seen seemingly independent young career-women anxious to please Daddy, and rebellious brides determined to flaunt their rejection of Mom's lifestyle.

In each and every case, the bride sees finding a wedding gown that reflects her ideal self-image as the main goal of the day. The wedding dress becomes her opportunity to let her family and friends (and sometimes even her groom) know who she truly wants to be in her heart-of-hearts.

Body-Image: criticism can erode confidence

I often wonder what each bride really sees when she looks at herself in the mirror. Her body-image – how she perceives her physical self – affects her innermost thoughts and feelings.

How many times have I seen a bride come out to show her entourage a dress that she obviously thinks she looks great in, only to face the criticism of the those whose opinions she values most? It often surprises me, although it shouldn't, when family members and friends believe it's okay to attack a bride's appearance. Somehow, they think that their relationship gives them the right to tell a young woman that she looks like a linebacker in a strapless dress or that her butt looks like the back end of a bus in a form-fitting gown. I've rarely seen a bride who holds her own against such an attack on her appearance.

Even when the criticisms are constructive and kindly expressed, the young bride's body image is ultimately vulnerable. I keep hoping each bride will have the self-confidence to examine the body critiques to see if they hold up as valid in her own eyes. Instead, these young women often become demoralized and diminished, opting to accept the opinions of others rather than love the bodies they have.

Everyone wants approval and acceptance

We all would prefer to have approval and acceptance from those we love. This is never truer than when we are revealing our secret thoughts about our self-image and/or our body-image to people we love and respect.

Even with discord (and sometimes outright conflict) between the bride-to-be and her entourage, most of these young women want their friends and families to agree that they absolutely LOVE the dress the bride has chosen - and the way the she looks in it - before they themselves are finally willing to say that all-important "Yes" to the dress.

So why do I watch 'Say Yes to the Dress'? It reminds me that, although it’s been years since I was a young bride-to-be, my self-image needs to stay strong, and I need to put effort into being comfortable with my aging body. I’m well past retirement age, but I have no plans to end my late-life career as a hypnotherapist. It keeps me on top of my game, and I get immense satisfaction out of helping people live their own best lives. And, although I no longer look good in mini-skirts and bikinis, I can still work out and stay healthy and fit. I sometimes still look for the approval of others – but I’m working on that.

* * *
Poor self-image and unhealthy body-image invariably result in a lack of confidence or self-esteem. Our young people today, male and female, are inundated with fantasy role models by the media. They are subjected to the harsh criticisms and judgements so prevalent on social media. No wonder that they haven’t developed the ability to be comfortable in their own skins, to love themselves from the inside out, and to understand that they don’t have to accept the opinions of others as their own reality.

In my hypnotherapy practice, I’ve met dozens of children, teens, adults and even senior-citizens who think poorly of themselves. They come to me for help with stress and anxiety, with relationships, with weight problems and harmful habits they’d like to break. To most effectively help these clients resolve their issues, I frequently begin by helping them accept themselves as they are. To find out if hypnotherapy might help you or a loved one, call me anytime at 973-657-0571 or leave me a message below.

Self-Esteem in Young People – Privately Held Beliefs About Self-Worth

Sat, 31 Aug 2019 18:31:44 GMT

How hypnotherapy can help to raise self-esteem in children, tweens and teens.

Contrary to popular belief, self-confidence and high self-esteem don’t necessarily go hand-in-hand. Self-esteem can suffer even if we are confident in our own strengths, receive praise for our achievements or talents or are publicly recognized for our accomplishments. In fact, low self-esteem may not be immediately evident to the outside observer, particularly when someone seems fairly confident in his or her athletic or academic abilities, skills and aptitudes.
There are so many factors that can impact one’s self-esteem – how much we privately appreciate and value ourselves. Those who hold themselves in high regard see themselves in a positive light. Those who lack self-esteem secretly view themselves as unworthy.
For children, tweens and teens, the effects of low self-esteem can be overwhelming. They may obsess about what they perceive as their weaknesses. They may be overly afraid to make mistakes, worry about making or maintaining friendships, succumb to unreasonable peer pressure, become reluctant to try new activities, or have a debilitating fear of failure.
As a hypnotherapist, my goal is to help your child replace his or her negative subconscious messages with positive feelings of self-worth and acceptance.

Learning disabilities often result in a lack of self-worth.

By all reports, my young client Steven was a bright, adventurous and fun-loving toddler and preschooler. A proficient swimmer by the time he was two years old, he spent his early summer days from dawn till dusk at the community pool making friends with children and charming adults. As he grew older, Steven happily played with his brother and their mutual friends, and entertained his parents and large extended family with jokes, riddles and lively conversation. Steven’s self-esteem took a major hit in first and second grade when he realized all of his classmates were reading while he struggled to keep up. He became quiet in class, fearful of making mistakes or looking “dumb.” Eventually diagnosed with attention deficit disorder (ADD) and its associated learning disabilities, Steven was placed in remedial classes – effectively marking him as different from his brother and the other boys in school.

This bright star‘s inner light grew dimmer and was all but extinguished by the time I saw him in his early teens. Steven’s circle of friends now only included troubled outcasts. He rarely spoke to adults. He refused to join town and school sports. His hopes and dreams for a bright future were a thing of the past.

'It’s important for our children to understand and value their own unique traits and talents.'

It’s vital to our feelings of self-worth that we recognize our own strengths, even if they aren’t the ones most celebrated by our peer group or by society in general. It’s even more important for our children to understand and value their own unique traits and talents. Steven’s learning disabilities became the yardstick by which he measured himself, rather than by his strengths – his natural athleticism, his sense of humor, his ability to communicate well and his strong interpersonal intelligence. By middle-school, Steven had become sullen and unwilling to try anything new.

During our initial hypnotherapy sessions, I focused on helping Steven accept his learning disability as a hurdle he could overcome with hard work and raising his feelings of self-worth. To my immense delight, Steven’s mom soon reported that she hadn’t seen his eyes shine so brightly since kindergarten, and that he was becoming animated and even “chatty.” Even though the start of each new school year brought his feelings of low self-esteem back, Steven continued to work diligently over the years and proudly graduated high school with his class.

Changes in behavior or attitude are important clues about how your child values him or herself.

At 17 years old, Mitchell was probably the most hard-working young man I’ve ever seen in my practice. In fact, it was difficult to find time to schedule our appointments between his afterschool job and basketball practice. A past honors student, I questioned when he had found time to study, only to discover that he was a gifted student and hadn’t previously found his high-school course-load very challenging. He was self-confident and outgoing without seeming to be self-impressed. Mitchell’s mom brought him to me because he was habitually arriving late for work, his grades were suddenly dropping and she had caught him sneaking out with her car late at night and lying about his whereabouts. A sudden lack of interest in school coupled with sneaky behavior often points to deeper issues. My experience suggested two possible explanations: the discovery of girls and sex and/or drinking and drugs.

'A sudden lack of interest in school coupled with sneaky behavior often points to deeper issues.'

The problem turned out to be drugs – but more than that, how getting involved in drugs affected Mitchell’s self-esteem. In our first session, Mitchell admitted that he was smoking ‘weed’ extensively, indiscriminately taking pharmaceuticals and drinking to excess, and was no longer putting any effort into schoolwork or in sports. He complained that high school was “all about who’s most popular and who has the most material possessions,” which he found very off-putting. Even so, Mitchell was a popular and well-liked member of his peer group. After a couple of hypnotherapy sessions designed to help Mitchell achieve his goals of ‘reinventing’ himself, it became apparent he was still sabotaging himself. We just didn’t know why.

Parts Therapy, a hypnosis technique that enables both the part of the subconscious mind that would like to change and the part that’s preventing the change to speak up and resolve inner conflicts, shed light on the dilemma Mitchell was facing. At the beginning of his Parts Therapy session, Mitchell stated clearly that he wanted to “get back on the right path, and do the right things to succeed and excel in all areas.” Under hypnosis, that part that named itself Success was adamant that Mitchell needed a “new environment.” It declared in no-uncertain terms that he had to remove himself from his current drug-using friends (and maybe even his high school!) in order to succeed. The conflicting part named itself Blockage, and stated it wanted Mitchell to have fun and “live in the moment” like his buddies were doing. On the surface, this seemed to me to be an age-old conflict experienced by many teenagers. Most telling, however, was a simple lament made by the Success part before the end of the session: “I’m supposed to be the shepherd, not the sheep. I’m supposed to be strong enough to be a role model and steer my friends away from drugs!”

'The inability to stand strong in the face of peer pressure can erode self-esteem.'

The need to conform and be a part of the group is common during the teen years. For some young people, being unable to stand strong in the face of peer pressure can erode self-esteem. Even after hearing his subconscious mind declare that he needed to leave his old life behind, Mitchell was unwilling to remove himself from his environment, friends and senior year activities. Mitchell’s inability to stay strong and do what he saw as right, not only by himself but by his friends, took a terrible toll on how he valued himself – which, in turn, made him more likely to seek solace in drugs and alcohol abuse. Although I was able to get the two parts to agree to work together help Mitchell “stay on the right path” during our Parts Therapy session, it took him months to finally find a way to show his mom how much he was struggling and enlist her aid in restoring his ability to feel good about himself.

Identifying low self-esteem is the first hurdle when working with young people.

Children, especially teenagers, are particularly good at hiding their low self-esteem. They may be acting out in secret, away from home and family. They may seem to be deliberately rebellious or stubbornly attached to negative behaviors. Unlike the adults who generally come to me with some degree of willingness to share how they think they feel about themselves, young people often lack self-awareness or are unwilling to admit their secret self-doubts.

When working with younger clients, my first job as a hypnotherapist is to look at the current behaviors and work backwards to try to evaluate how they appreciate and value themselves. From there, I use hypnosis to discover the cause of low self-esteem and do my best to raise their privately-held beliefs about their self-worth.

Note: Names and details have been changed to maintain the anonymity of my young clients.

* * *

In my experience as a Certified Advanced Clinical Hypnotherapist, it’s become apparent that low self-esteem often begins in childhood. I’ve treated clients of all ages who seemed confident in their abilities and talents, yet held themselves in low regard. Those negative evaluations of worthiness are so often the cause of self-sabotage and even depression, affecting relationships, work and friendships.

If you or a member of your family is suffering from an seemingly unexplained negative behaviors that you suspect may be caused by low self-esteem, hypnotherapy may help bolster feelings of self-worth and personal value. Conveniently located in northern New Jersey’s Passaic County, my Ringwood office is just minutes from both Bergen County NJ and Rockland Country in New York. For more information on how hypnosis can increase self-esteem, call me at 973-657-0571 for a free, no-obligation, phone consultation, or send me a message below.

Confidence in Teens - Accentuating the Positive, Eliminating the Negative

Sun, 04 Aug 2019 14:24:00 GMT

How this soccer goalie regained her self-confidence after remembering a past coach's criticisms

Self-confidence, the faith you have in yourself and your abilities, is defined by your values, beliefs and personal philosophy. It works hand-in-hand with your self-esteem – how much you appreciate and like yourself. Having a strong sense of self-confidence and positive self-esteem not only affects how you think and act, they affect how you feel about others and how successful you are in life.
Simply put, self-confident people have expectations that are realistic. Even when some of their expectations are not met, they continue to accept themselves and to maintain a positive frame of mind. Yet even the most self-confident person experiences a lack of confidence at some time or another.
A lack of self-confidence isn’t necessarily related to a lack of ability or intelligence. It’s often the result of paying too much attention to the expectations of the people in authority in one’s life, the opinions of one’s peers, or on the standards set by society. But sometimes, it’s our hidden mind, our subconscious, that’s holding on to the cause of our lack of self-confidence.

Sometimes even the strongest self-confidence is met with debilitating self-doubt

Christie, a high school soccer goalie, came to me hoping that I could help her become quicker, faster, smarter and more confident as a player. She was clearly aware of her own natural athleticism as well as her ability as a goal-keeper to give good direction to her teammates and to stay one step ahead of everything happening on the field. In fact, she planned to make soccer her career, either as a coach, a manager or a sports psychologist. With a strong desire to be the best athlete she could be, Christie wasn’t sure what was holding her back from improving her skills. More striking to me, though, was when she lamented that, even with her many past triumphs over the years, she sometimes hesitated when the play of action was in the box.

Christie’s dad was a former soccer player, and her mom was a strong advocate for her daughter who attended every game and was her best cheerleader. Her parents weren’t sure if she was hesitating because she was afraid of being hurt or because she was afraid that she might make a wrong decision causing her to give up a goal. The fear of being hurt was warranted: she’d been injured multiple times, the last time resulting in a concussion. The fear of not being able to make the right call was also well-founded. Christie admitted that her occasional mistakes during soccer practices made her frustrated, resulting in her “going silent” and “beating herself up internally” instead of being able to rebound and continue to play well. Although, according to her coach, Christie had strong skills and was a smart strategic player, he noticed that she became suddenly indecisive after being scored on by the opposing team. Her coach was understandably hesitant to play her in important matches, where a goalie’s split-second decisions can be game-changing.

'Many years ago, my hypnotherapy teacher warned me NEVER to assume I knew the cause of a client’s issues.'

Uncovering the root cause of an issue to remove stumbling blocks to success

We began Christie’s hypnotherapy with hypnotic suggestions to increase her motivation to exercise and practice her skills (outside of team practices) that I’ve had success using for athletes in the past. She left those sessions looking more determined than ever to work on her skills – but never seemed to get very far on her own. It was time to figure out what was holding Christie back from success: fear of injury or lack of confidence in her abilities. Personally, I also wondered if having a dad who was soccer coach was causing Christie to doubt her own talents. I had my suspicions, but many years ago my hypnotherapy teacher warned me never to assume I knew the cause of a client’s issues.

In Christie’s case, the investigation into what the subconscious mind was “thinking” was ultimately revealing.

Using hypnosis to resolve inner conflicts through 'Parts Therapy'

The concept behind the hypnotherapeutic technique commonly known as Parts Therapy is that we all have many “parts” – happy and sad, courageous and fearful, silly and solemn – but that sometimes the parts are in conflict and working against each other, preventing the change the client wants to make. At the start of the session, we ask the client to consciously state the issue he or she is hoping to resolve. Then we begin by using hypnosis to relax the client’s mind and body, much like any guided-meditation. Once the client is comfortably relaxed, we ask the part of his or her mind that is motivating the client to change a feeling or behavior to tell us what it’s trying to achieve. Then we ask the part of the subconscious mind that’s preventing success to tell us what it is doing. My role as a hypnotherapist is to help the parts resolve the conflicts.

Christie’s goal was concise and to the point. She wanted to be “motivated, confident and consistent as a goalie.” Her hope was three-fold:

to be able to put in the effort needed to her improve her game,
to let her mistakes fuel her inner fire to improve, and
to be more confident that she is performing the way her coach wants.

Resolving the conflicts between motivation and self-sabotage

Her motivating part spoke to us first. It sang Christie’s praises as a teenage athlete who had the skills to be a truly great goalie. It admitted, however, that another part of Christie was “scared she won’t make it as far as she wants.”

Her conficting part was younger and less sure of itself. Stuck in Christie’s middle-school memory, it recalled a previous soccer coach who was tough and often derisive, training the younger players as if they were professionals with stronger egos and tougher skins. This coach had split the team into the “better and worse” players – placing Christie in the latter group, saying she wasn’t good enough to play. Even though Christie was angry and determined to prove him wrong at the time, he planted the seed of doubt in her mind. Now, every time Christie makes a mistake on the field, the conflicting part reminds her of the previous coach’s scathing comments on her abilities. No wonder she shuts down and loses her confidence!

It only took minutes to get Christie’s conflicting part to agree with the motivating part’s assessment of her talents and potential. It took a bit longer to convince the parts that if they joined forces, they had the power to bolster her confidence and allow her to regroup when the opposing team scored on her. We named the new duo “Confident Goalie” and got its agreement to help Christie realize her objective to become more a confident athlete.

Accentuating the Positive, Eliminating the Negative

Traditionally, hypnosis uses the power of positive suggestion to eliminate negative thoughts, feelings and behaviors. In the case of this amazing soccer-goalie, she had to dig deep to identify the negative message that was shouting so loudly in her subconscious mind before the positive suggestions could be heard.

When I was a child, Johnny Mercer and The Pied Pipers recorded a song called Accentuate the Positive. The opening lines have always stayed in my mind:

“You've got to accentuate the positive
Eliminate the negative
Latch on to the affirmative
Don't mess with Mister In-Between”

After all these years, I still think it’s a great reminder on how to maintain healthy feelings of self-confidence.

Note: Names and details have been changed to protect the future of this star-athlete.

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In my experience as a Certified Advanced Clinical Hypnotherapist, Christie’s story about a lack of confidence in her abilities isn’t at all unusual. For some reason, our sub-conscious minds remember every mistake, embarrassment or failure rather than our successes, causing us to lose confidence in ourselves and our abilities. I’ve met struggling students who, under hypnosis, remember one particular teacher that criticized them unfairly, instead of the many teachers that have praised their accomplishments. I have treated a teen who had trouble socializing because of the one “mean” adult who embarrassed him in front of other children at a birthday party many years ago. And I’ve recently met a woman whose difficulty with weight dates back to being told by her mom that she was “too fat” to have dessert after dinner. It’s evident that even a seemingly innocent remark can cause children to doubt themselves. The ego is sometimes very fragile, and the words and actions of the adults in authority can have a profound effect on the self-confidence and self-esteem of a child. Those negative messages, buried (but not forgotten) in the subconscious mind, may be sabotaging us from living our best possible lives.

If you or a member of your family is suffering from an unexplained lack confidence, hypnotherapy may help uncover the hidden root of the problem. Conveniently located in northern New Jersey's Passaic County, my Ringwood office is just minutes from both Bergen County NJ and Rockland County in New York. For more information on how hypnosis can increase confidence and self-esteem, call me at 973-657-0571 for a free, no-obligation, phone consultation, or send me a message below.

I Won’t Make You Quack Like a Duck

Tue, 16 Jul 2019 13:51:14 GMT

The difference between a hypnotherapist and a “stage” hypnotist: healing vs entertainment.

Many of my clients feel some trepidation before coming to me for hypnotherapy. When arriving at my door for their first visit, they often seem wary as they peer into the airspace about six inches or so over my head. I watch as their eyes scan down and finally register my diminutive frame. Without fail, a look of relief (and sometimes even delight) comes over their faces. At only 4’8½” tall and clearly well past middle-age, I am probably one of the least intimidating people they've met in a long time.

With much of their initial hesitation about meeting me put to rest, we can begin to relax as we explore the many benefits hypnotherapy can offer.

I can't make you stand on my desk and quack like a duck.

If you've never had hypnotherapy before, the prospect of someone talking directly to your subconscious mind can be a bit unnerving. We've all seen "stage" hypnotists on TV or in the movies who ask their subjects to do things that are embarrassing, silly or downright uncomfortable. These hypnotists are performers whose goal is to entertain, not to provide therapy.

Best defined as a psychological healing process, hypnotherapy provides a complementary and alternative therapy that utilizes hypnosis to help with a wide range of issues. I am an Advanced Clinical Hypnotherapist certified by both the American Academy of Hypnotherapy and the International Hypnosis Federation – not a hypnotist. As such, I am bound by very specific ethical guidelines. I could never do anything that might embarrass or harm my clients. I would never suggest that they do anything outside of their personal morals or act in any way against their will. I don’t practice any form of mind control or brainwashing.

My goal is simply to use hypnosis to help bring about positive change in the lives of my clients.

Hypnosis uses the power of your own mind to change your life.

Hypnosis is a safe, gentle process that uses familiar meditation and relaxation techniques to quiet the chatter of the conscious mind. It lets your thoughts and troubles fade into the background, allowing your subconscious mind to embrace new methods for coping, and replacing old negative messages with positive thoughts and actions.

Your comfort level is crucial to our success. Unlike the hypnotism you’ve seen in the media, you will remain in complete control during hypnotherapy. You’ll remember everything we’ve said and done during our sessions, and emerge feeling wonderfully refreshed, relaxed and alert.

Hypnotherapy can help you to live your best possible life.

In hypnotherapy, you and I will work together to identify the specific goals you’d like to achieve. We’ll then develop a plan that’s tailored to meet your personal needs.

If you would like to address the issues, fears or behaviors that may have been affecting your health, happiness or peace of mind, hypnotherapy offers a proven method of helping you:

Live your best possible life...
√ Relieve your stress, anxiety and phobias
√  Increase your confidence and self-esteem
√   Eliminate blocks to your progress or performance
√   Reach your highest potential
√   Discover your life path

Address your health and wellness issues...
√ Deal with your frustrations, anger and emotional pain
√  Control your weight by changing eating and exercise patterns
√  Break harmful habits such as smoking, gambling or overeating
√  Improve sleep, diet and exercise

And improve your school, work and home life...
√  Cope with work and career issues
√  Increase your ability to focus, study and retain information
√  Reduce your test-taking, public speaking or performance anxiety
√  Examine your dreams, goals and aspirations
√  Understand and improve your relationships
√  Recover early or blocked memories
√  Explore your past through regression

My goal is to help you resolve the issues you’ve identified as quickly as possible.

Using the power of positive suggestion, guided imagery and simple post-hypnotic suggestion, I will help you modify those thoughts, feelings or behaviors you’ve chosen to address. If we find that you aren’t getting the results you hoped for after a few sessions of hypnotherapy, we may ask your subconscious mind for help understanding the root cause of the problem and enlist its aid in bringing about the change you’re hoping to achieve. I may even include training in self-hypnosis in our work together to help you reinforce the work we’ve done.

Hypnotherapy isn’t a long-term commitment. It isn’t magic or hocus-pocus. It’s a widely recognized non-invasive method for overcoming stress and anxiety, increasing confidence and self-esteem, breaking negative habits, and dealing more effectively with health and wellness issues such as weight control and smoking.

- - -

Conveniently located in northern New Jersey's Passaic County, my Ringwood office is just minutes from both Bergen County NJ and Rockland County in New York. To find out if hypnotherapy might help you or a loved one, call me anytime at 973-657-0571 for a free phone consultation or leave me a message below.

Hypnotherapy for Young People

Mon, 08 Jul 2019 16:35:05 GMT

How Safe, Gentle Hypnosis Can Help Your Child Resolve Issues Ranging from Weight Control, Poor Self-Image and Lack of Confidence to Fears, Phobias, Stress and Anxiety

>> Interested in learning more?
Join my free 'Intro to Hypnosis for Your Child' workshop on July 16, 2019! <<

For those of us who have long passed our childhood days, it might seem that youth is a glorious, trouble-free time full of fun and adventure. Many older adults dismiss the issues affecting our children, tweens, teens and young adults as “trivial” or “just part of growing up.” Nothing could be further from the truth, which many younger parents now recognize.

Subconscious Issues Can Affect a Child’s Life Today and Tomorrow

Psychologists today agree that the stresses and anxieties, fears and phobias, and issues with self-image and self-confidence faced by our young people will remain in their subconscious minds for their entire lifetimes. These hidden messages will shape their futures, influencing how they choose their relationships, interests, and careers.

Knowing the Underlying Cause of Your Child’s Problem May Help Resolve the Issue

In my practice as an Advanced Clinical Hypnotherapist, I have seen major issues that were initially caused by minor mishaps or misunderstandings, and minor issues with deeper roots than anyone had suspected. Here are just a few recent examples:

> Weight Control. Sometimes childhood weight issues are resolved easily with just a few hypnotic suggestions for better portion control, healthier choices and/or increased exercise. Last year, I treated a sweet, loving, overweight boy whose mom thought hypnosis might help him eat healthy foods and avoid snacking on chips and soda. After a few sessions, though, it became apparent that he was overeating to assuage the pain of feeling abandoned by his father when his parents divorced many years ago. A few additional sessions helped this young man to understand that he hadn’t caused the breakup of his parents’ marriage, and that his dad (who had since started a new family) still loved and valued his first-born son.

> Difficulty Making Friends. One of my recent clients is a highly intelligent tween who has trouble making friends. Her parents hoped I could help her get over her shyness. In our initial session, it was obvious that this middle-schooler was articulate and precocious well beyond her years, but showed an unexplained lack of self-esteem. A short regression under hypnosis uncovered the frustration the child had felt as a preschooler due to a speech delay in early childhood. Her inability to communicate then had long-since been resolved, but her current unwillingness to try to engage with others just needed a nudge in hypnosis using positive reinforcement.

> Fears and Avoidance. I've helped an enormously talented teen gymnast whose fall during a past competition seemed to be making her afraid to attempt the difficult routines in which she previously excelled. Everyone believed that she was afraid of getting hurt again. When the traditional hypnotherapeutic methods for overcoming her fears didn’t prove helpful, I began to suspect that something else was preventing her from returning to competition level. Using guided imagery, this amazing young woman realized that her subconscious mind was telling her that the limelight of competition gymnastics was causing her too much stress and anxiety, and that she’d be happier using her wonderful athletic ability in basketball – a sport she loved, and in which she could excel as an integral part of closely knit team of like-minded young athletes.

> Gender Identity. More than ever before in recent history, boys and girls who previously might have hidden their innermost feelings about their gender issues, afraid of parental shame, peer disdain or society’s disapproval, are openly expressing their doubts, fears and preferences. One of my clients is a bright teen with gender identity issues resulting in a profound lack of self-esteem and poor grades. Although her family is certain that this is “just a phase” she’ll grow out of in time, this teen is adamant that she has always felt like she was a boy in a girl’s body. My role as a hypnotherapist isn’t to advise young people about gender identity or sexual choices. Instead, my job is to shore up their self-esteem, making certain that they gain the confidence needed to be the best possible version of themselves – at home, among friends and in school. With that goal in mind, this teen and I have been focusing on replacing her negative feelings and actions about her self and her body with positive messages of self-acceptance.

> Stress and Anxiety. More than half of my clients, no matter how young or old, come to me hoping I can help them deal with stress or anxiety. One mom brought in her beautiful stepdaughter who had been suffering from debilitating panic attacks, constant stress, and a clear lack of confidence. In cases like these, I always begin with the basic hypnotic techniques for coping with stress and anxiety to provide some immediate relief before moving on to deeper hypnotherapy which might uncover the roots of the problem. Under hypnosis, this troubled young adult surprised us both by remembering the constant feeling of fear she experienced as a consequence of spending her earliest years living with a mentally unstable birth-mother. Since this realization, verified in fact by her father and others, we’ve successfully embarked upon a series of hypnotherapy sessions designed to allow her to deal with her past memories and her current feelings about her mother without experiencing the negative emotions and self-destructive behaviors.

Hypnosis Uses the Power of the Mind to Help Your Child Succeed

When you bring your youngster to me to resolve issues like these, they will find that hypnosis feels like a guided meditation they might find in a yoga class or by listening to a relaxation app. Often, I can help my young clients modify their thoughts, feelings and behaviors quickly and easily using the power of positive suggestion, guided imagery and simple post-hypnotic suggestion. Occasionally, though, I need to literally ask the subconscious mind for help understanding the root cause of the problem and enlist its aid in bringing about the change we’re hoping to achieve. No matter which of the many tried and true methods I choose to use from my hypnotherapist “toolbelt,” my goal is always to help my youngest clients resolve their issues while protecting them from any distress, discomfort or embarrassment during our time together.

Hypnotherapy Can Remove Blocks to Your Child’s Progress Before They Become Too Deeply Rooted

My point is simply that the old-school idea of expecting young people to “grow out of it” or “put the past behind them” may not always be the best method for helping our children fully realize their potential. Parents today are more in touch with their children’s emotional and psychological needs, and are willing to take the time to find the right resources to help their youngsters cope with the stressors of the culture in which we now live. In many cases, hypnotherapy offers a safe, gentle way to clear the subconscious blocks to your child’s progress and well-being before they become so deeply rooted that they have a profound effect on his or her personality and approach to life.

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Hypnotherapy uses gentle meditation and relaxation techniques to help thoughts and troubles fade into the background – allowing the mind to embrace new methods for coping, and replacing old negative message with positive thoughts and actions. Unlike the “stage” hypnotists you may have seen on television or in the movies, I am an Advanced Clinical Hypnotherapist, certified by both the American Academy of Hypnotherapy and the International Hypnosis Federation. As such, it’s very important to me that every one of my clients (young and old) remains in complete control during hypnosis, remembering everything we’ve said and done, and emerging feeling wonderfully refreshed, relaxed and alert.

If you have a child who you think might benefit by hypnotherapy, please don’t hesitate to call me at 973-657-0571 or leave me a message below. I’m always available to answer your questions.

The Heart and Soul of Gender Identity

Wed, 19 Jun 2019 20:18:55 GMT

How different the world is today than it was in the 1950s and early 1960s when I was growing up in New York City. Homosexuality was, for all intents and purpose, hidden from the general public. The only openly gay people I knew lived in Greenwich Village. I thought drag queens were just performers in clubs or on Broadway. Transvestites lived in secret, even from their spouses and families. Everyone was shocked when it became known that a WWII veteran from the Bronx had undergone sex reassignment surgery and was living now as a woman named Christine Jorgensen. And, it was a well-guarded secret that movie-heartthrobs Rock Hudson and Cary Grant were both bi-sexual. Now, fifty years since the Stonewall Uprising in Manhattan, we openly celebrate LGBTQ Pride Month in June with pride parades, workshops and concerts.*

The heart knows what the soul wants to be.

In my practice as a Certified Advanced Clinical Hypnotherapist, many of my clients make their gender identity known early in our sessions, and a few are more than curious about why and how they came to question their non-mainstream preferences. Everyone seems to be looking for a context in which to understand the simple fact that the heart knows what the soul wants to be. Just this year, I have had one lovely young woman client questioning whether she might be a lesbian, and a distressed teen furious that she is too young to have “top surgery” and live her life as a man. One of my clients is a married middle-aged woman who enjoys bisexual trysts. But it was a handsome fifty-something rock singer/musician with long blond hair who proved a theory I’ve long held that non-traditional gender identification may (in some cases) be related to a past life.

Looking to the past for explanations.

Max originally came to see me for help dealing with his stubborn nature and his anger towards his obnoxious neighbors and their loud parties. It wasn’t until our third session that he asked me if I would lead him through a past life regression. When I explained that Past Life Regression Therapy requires that I know what insights he was looking to find from a former life, he was clearly reticent to tell me. After a few moments of deliberation, he decided it would be easier to show me than to explain – and took out his cell phone to scroll through his photos.

The photo he chose was of a very gentile-looking blond woman with incredibly long legs dressed in a demure suit and heels. My first thought was that I was looking at his sister, but a closer look brought me to understand I was looking at Max himself. Max explained that while he was an “Oscar Madison slob” who liked staying home and tinkering with cars and electronics dressed in jeans and t-shirts, his “alter-ego” Maxine was a modest, soft-spoken woman who loved going out on weekends to dance and socialize with friends.
During our next session, Max told me that he has felt like Maxine from an early age. As a teenager, he hid her clothes from his family. It wasn’t until his late thirties that he lost weight to become better at being Maxine. Since then, he’s had face, brow and chin lifts, liposuction, and laser hair removal. Although Max admitted to having the “testosterone levels of four men” and “drools over women” as potential sexual partners, he takes hormones to help him look more feminine as Maxine. Unafraid of surgery, he mused about the possibility of undergoing a sex-change at some point in the future.

Max is generally unwilling to label himself – but, if pressed, he says he has a “transgender thing going on.” Clearly, his sense of personal identity and gender does not always correspond with his birth sex, and Max was hoping that Past Life Regression Therapy would help him understand his dual nature.

The information we discovered in his past life regression was startling, to say the least.

An unfinished life continues.

We began the regression using light hypnosis, with the intention of finding a past life that would give Max insights into “Why I have always identified as female.”

Max saw first himself as a young woman in her 20s, wearing sparkly dark red pumps and a knee-length skirt. She was indoors at a social event, perhaps at a dance hall, somewhere in the Midwest near Chicago in the 1940's or early 1950's. Feeling good, and clearly happy with her appearance, she heard glasses tinkling and saw people mingling and socializing, and noticed that the men were all dressed in suits and ties.

In the next scene, Max found himself in a busy newspaper office at some time in the 1950’s. He described the woman he was as a 'Lois Lane' secretarial type, working happily in her job. Although it was clearly the afternoon, she wasn’t thinking about going home to her apartment and was waiting for a 'Clark Kent' type of guy – perhaps to go out on a dinner date.

Moving a few years in time to a later event that I hoped might give us more insight, Max described the young woman as clearly unhappy as she waited outside of a car that had been pulled over on the side of the road on a cloudy day. Annoyed that other people were not paying attention to her, she looked over at the open fields, into the sunset, in an attempt to distract herself from whatever she was waiting for.

Curious to know why this scene was important to our quest for insights, I asked Max to move just one hour later. To our surprise (or shock), Max reported that there had been a car accident in which the young woman had passed quickly. He saw her slumped over the steering wheel, as if he was viewing her from the passenger side of the car while standing on the side of the road. Her thoughts upon passing came through quite clearly to Max: “It’s too soon to die! The car could have been fixed!” followed by a feeling of intense disappointment, the clear “need to carry on,” and her stubborn refusal to accept her own death.

As I always do after a client reports witnessing his or her own death in a past life, I asked Max if the woman he saw needed to forgive herself or others for anything important, to which he responded with a definite “No!” Her overriding thoughts were “How do I get back to the life I was supposed to have???”

Before returning to wakefulness, Max lamented wistfully that, in that past life, “I was very polite, quiet, and bright. I wasn’t looking for the spotlight.” He and I both noticed how much that sounded like Maxine.

Max’s past incarnation as a woman became what I sometimes refer to as “a jumper” – a soul that is so stubbornly determined to get back to living its life that it reincarnates too quickly without taking the time to reflect, grow and learn on the other side. The woman who died accidentally in the late 1950's joined the soul of the little boy named Max born in the early 1960's, and became such an integral part of his current lifetime that she literally shares this incarnation with him. Max’s dual nature, which so confused him during his early years, is now second nature to him. He teasingly refers to Maxine as his alter ego, and his conscious mind is very much present whether he’s dressed as a man or as a woman. He remains stubborn, though. It’s a trait he comes by both naturally and metaphysically.

NOTE: Names have been changed to protect the shy and not-so-shy identities.

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* Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Queer (LGBTQ) Pride Month is currently celebrated each year in the month of June to honor the 1969 Stonewall Uprising in Manhattan. The Stonewall Uprising was a tipping point for the Gay Liberation Movement in the United States. In the United States the last Sunday in June was initially celebrated as “Gay Pride Day,” but the actual day was flexible. In major cities across the nation the “day” soon grew to encompass a month-long series of events.
Today, celebrations include pride parades, picnics, parties, workshops, symposia and concerts, and LGBTQ Pride Month events attract millions of participants around the world. Memorials are held during this month for those members of the community who have been lost to hate crimes or HIV/AIDS. The purpose of the commemorative month is to recognize the impact that lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender individuals have had on history locally, nationally, and internationally.
– Excerpt from the Library of Congress website: https://www.loc.gov/lgbt-pride-month/about/

There Are More Things in Heaven and Earth…than are dreamt of in your philosophy.*

Sun, 20 Aug 2017 13:47:14 GMT

As a hypnosis professional, my clients come to me for help on all sorts of issues from eliminating stress, anxiety and phobias to improving self-confidence, health and happiness. Sometimes, though, it takes a few sessions together for the true underlying problems to surface.

Here’s a story that might capture your interest. It has a bit of everything: mystery, metaphysics and maybe even a bit of magic –all wrapped up with a surprising ending….

Ellen initially came to me to find out if hypnosis could help her deal with the stress in her life. A highly successful saleswoman in her mid 30's, Ellen was well-educated, articulate and very personable but complained about feeling tired and stressed out most of the time.

We began with light hypnosis, allowing Ellen's subconscious mind to slowly embrace new methods for coping with stress, and replacing old negative messages with positive thoughts and actions. After a few sessions to work on alleviating her stress and anxiety, we moved on to increasing her self-confidence. Ellen was clearly delighted with the progress she had made, and reported feeling much calmer and more self-assured. However, as we chatted each week, she kept bringing up her fears about becoming a mother. Ellen confided that she and her husband Joe had been hoping she would become pregnant for quite a while, and she worried that she may not be able to bear children. In one session she wondered if she would be damaging her career if she took time off to get pregnant. In another, she voiced her concerns about being financially able to take care of a family. She often wondered aloud about whether she would be a good mother, even though she shyly admitted that she adored, and was adored by, her many nieces and nephews.

When our work together on stress and self-confidence was done, I reminded Ellen of the many doubts she had expressed about motherhood, and asked her if she would like to spend some time exploring the issue. She was immediately onboard with the suggestion and we set about trying to understand her hesitation about having children.

To be, or not to be [a mom], that is the question.*

My first step was to use Guided Imagery to help Ellen figure out whether she indeed wanted to have children, or would rather focus on her career. Guided Imagery is a gentle but powerful mind/body hypnosis technique that uses imaginary scenarios to promote self-awareness, healing, growth, learning and performance.

Since Ellen often spoke about her brothers’ wives, her nieces and nephews, and Joe's sister's recent announcement that she was pregnant, we proceeded to do a session where I hypnotized Ellen and had her picture herself sitting on a sofa at a family gathering surrounded by all of these women and their children.

I asked Ellen to imagine that, although she was enjoying being in the midst of all of these mothers, she had decided to focus on her career and forego having children. Then I asked her how she felt about that decision. Ellen immediately looked forlorn and she vehemently shook her head saying that she didn't like that at all.

Next I had Ellen imagine that she was many months pregnant in the same situation, and asked how she felt about becoming a mother like the rest of the women. A look of pure joy spread over Ellen's face, as she whispered "I'm so happy."

Clearly, something in Ellen really wanted to become a mother!

What’s past is prologue [… to this lifetime]. *

During our time together, I found myself becoming more and more convinced that Ellen was being affected by “old data” she had brought from the past into her current lifetime. Although I generally begin looking for more recent events to explain a client’s fears, something kept pushing me to investigate through Past Life Regression Therapy. Fortunately, Ellen was open to the concept of reincarnation, so we decided to explore a past life that would bring her some insight as to why she was so conflicted about becoming a parent as opposed to devoting herself to her career.

Ellen’s past life regression brought her to a small clock shop where she was nervously waiting to meet someone. “It’s no good,” she lamented aloud. Ellen began to weep as the scene unfolded in her memory, clearly in emotional pain. She told me that she was a man in the lifetime she was visiting, and was the father of two sons. Ellen went on to explain that, as the result of a “bad business decision” she had made that would leave them in terrible economic straits, the boys’ mother was taking them away. “I’m going to be alone,” Ellen cried in anguish. “I’m not going to be with them. I can’t give them a better life.” As I walked Ellen through that lifetime to the time of death, we discovered that she had been reunited with her family, but not until her sons were grown. Her promise to herself upon passing was that she would “never again miss a moment in her children’s lives.”

More pieces of the puzzle had fallen into place. We not only had some idea of why Ellen feared she’d never be a good parent, we understood her worries about not being able to financially support a family.

There are many events in the womb of time.*

Although we closed the past life regression with Ellen forgiving the mother of her children for taking their children away and forgiving herself for failing in business and not being there for her sons as they grew up, Ellen still felt anxious about becoming pregnant. She wondered why she had yet to conceive, and voiced her concerns about money and what would happen if she became widowed while still raising children.

It was time to find out what her subconscious mind was trying to tell her.

I suggested we try a Parts Therapy session. Parts Therapy is a very powerful hypnosis technique we use in hypnotherapy to help our clients resolve inner conflicts. It’s often my ‘go to’ when a client is clearly motivated to change a behavior or belief, but seems unable to do so. In Parts Therapy, we bring the client into a slightly deeper level of hypnosis and ask his or her subconscious mind to help the client attain a desired goal. The client remains in control at all times, and the hypnosis professional acts merely as the guide. We make no assumptions about the cause of the conflict, relying solely on the information offered by the client’s subconscious. Depending upon the responses we get to a handful of key questions, we determine whether there is a subconscious part of the client that is preventing him or her from success because it holds a conflicting belief or because of a past event. It’s then our task to negotiate between the conflicting parts to help the client attain resolution.

In Ellen’s case, although I asked first to speak to the part of her that wanted to become a mother, the part preventing her from becoming pregnant spoke first. In a very aggressive tone, a part of Ellen that called itself ‘Me’ started the conversation by saying “She CAN NOT become pregnant! I will NOT let her.” When I asked why not, ‘Me’ explained that it didn’t want Ellen to get hurt, and it was protecting her from the sad things that can happen if she had children. ‘Me’ went on to describe how Ellen had witnessed the problems that arose many years ago when her aunt became pregnant and realized that she couldn’t support another child, and how Ellen might find herself in the same situation. I questioned ‘Me’ about who gave her this job of protecting Ellen, and when that might have occurred. “I gave me this job when Ellen got married,” she replied confidently. “I saw she’s not going to be happy if she has children.” I asked if ‘Me’ would listen as I spoke with the part of Ellen that wanted to become a mother. Like a stubborn child, she declared in no uncertain terms, “Yes, but I WILL NOT change my mind!”

The part that was motivating Ellen presented a very different demeanor. It called itself ‘Maria’ and appeared calm and self-assured. She confidently stated that Ellen was always meant to nurture and to have children. I asked ‘Maria’ when she had assumed this role in Ellen’s life, but I was not at all prepared for her answer: “When I died 10 years ago.” (Truthfully, I was glad Ellen’s eyes were closed so she couldn’t see the surprise on my face! Who in heaven’s name was I talking to? A spirit or entity outside of Ellen or a persona Ellen’s subconscious had assumed upon the death of a loved one? I had no way to know.) I then asked if ‘Maria’ had heard ‘Me’ expressing her fears about what might happen if Ellen had children. ‘Maria’ smiled gently as she replied “She’ll be okay. She’ll be wonderful; she’s a natural in heart.” ‘Maria’ promised to listen as I resumed my conversation with ‘Me’ in hopes of getting her to compromise.

‘Me’ sounded a bit less sure of herself when I called upon her again. She admitted that she heard ‘Maria’ proclaim that Ellen would be a wonderful mother, and grudgingly agreed that Ellen had what it took to be a fantastic mom. With a bit of negotiating, I also got ‘Me’ to recognize that Ellen would always be able to support her family if, for some reason, her husband Joe could not – and that if all else failed, Ellen’s brothers could be relied upon to pitch in and help. ‘Me’ was clearly not ready to give up, though. She told me triumphantly that Ellen’s father had warned her to “Never, EVER, get pregnant!” With a bit of prodding, I discovered that Ellen’s dad had delivered that admonishment back when Ellen was a teenager. ‘Me’ finally conceded that Ellen’s father had probably not wanted Ellen to get pregnant while she was still in school – and that he never meant to say that she should not have children after she was married.

In the end, ‘Me’ and ‘Maria’ agreed to join forces under the new name of ‘Motherhood’ to help Ellen let go of her fears, and to reassure her that everything would be okay if she decided to have children.

Upon awakening from hypnosis, Ellen was amazed to realize that her fears about becoming a mother had taken root so many years ago. She described the emotional pain her whole family had undergone as a result of her aunt’s inability to keep her baby, and how deeply that had affected her. She laughed at remembering her father warning her about unplanned pregnancy during high school. Best of all, she told me that ‘Maria’ was the name of her beloved grandmother … and that grandma had passed away ten years ago.

Now comes the happy surprise ending (which you might have guessed)….Ellen texted me from her doctor’s office just 16 days later. She was pregnant with her first child, and over-the-moon with excitement!

Thank you Grandma Maria!

I know not what the success will be … but the attempt I vow.*

Truth to tell, I love my work – both as a certified hypnotherapist and as a past life regressionist. It’s so rewarding to witness the process as my clients learn to overcome their fears, deal more effectively with stress and anxiety, and begin to realize the unlimited potential that lies within each of us.

It’s always a collaborative effort, and although we can’t always predict the final outcome, we most often make significant progress. As I look back, though, even the smallest successes mean so much to me. Nevertheless, playing a part in helping a woman as she removes the subconscious blocks to becoming a mother will always stand out as a special highlight of my career.

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Note: Names changed to protect the pregnant!

* Recognize the quotes in the title and subtitles, but not sure from whence they came? They’re all from Shakespeare’s plays:
“There are more things in heaven and earth…than are dreamt of in your philosophy.” – Hamlet
“To be, or not to be, that is the question.” – Hamlet
“There are many events in the womb of time” – Othello
“What's past is prologue.” – The Tempest
“I know not what the success will be … but the attempt I vow.” – All’s Well That Ends Well

The Influences Our Fathers Have Had on Our Lives

Sun, 11 Jun 2017 23:02:13 GMT

When I was a little girl (back in the Dark Ages) a father's role was clearly defined. Dad went to work to put bread on the table, and mom used the bread to make toast in the morning, sandwiches for lunch, and bread crumbs to stretch the meatloaf for dinner.

My kid brother and I lived in fear of dad since we so often heard mom say "Wait until your father gets home. I'm going to give him a full report!" whenever we misbehaved. We dreaded disappointing him. We lived for his praise about everything from the grades we got in school to our successes in sports or scouts – and everything else in between.

For better or for worse, our fathers have had enormous influence on our lives - whether or not they took an active role in raising us.

Like most of my friends, I wanted my father to be proud of me. Unlike most of my friends, my dad didn't want me to be his little princess. MY dad spent our time together training me to think. From math puzzles to brain teasers, philosophy to memory codes, my dad valued quick analytical thinking and organizational skills. To this day, I still have a moment of panic whenever I make a mistake or don’t immediately understand something, fearing a look of disappointment on the faces of the people who are dear to me.

One of my clients shared with me that her dad was pretty much absentee while she was growing up. Mom both disciplined and adored her children. Dad worked long hours and left the responsibility of raising a family to his wife. Some of my friend's best memories are of the afternoons she spent alone with her father sailing on the Long Island sound, but she mostly remembers that he wasn’t around much while she was growing up. I wonder if she realizes that’s why she chose a husband who works at home and centers his life around her.

Lastly, one male friend of many years remembers every bit of criticism and every negative comment his father ever offered, every missed ball game or event his father had shown no interest in attending. When I pointed out years ago that he was missing his own son’s ballgames and spent more time critiquing than complimenting, he quickly changed his outlook and became his son’s greatest supporter.

What scenarios might we have imagined if we were to have guessed at the past lives we've each shared with our fathers?

My dad might have been my tutor or mentor, recreating that role as my father in this life. My client's father might have been an ancient sailor who visited his home briefly between voyages, which made his absenteeism in their family life today totally understandable and even acceptable. And my friend might have been a terrible taskmaster or slave-owner in another lifetime who is now on the other end of the big karmic payback.

We each have loved our fathers for their good points and resented their shortcomings. We each have noticed how much we have tried to emulate our dads - still looking for praise and love so many years (even after they have passed). And finally, we each have worked long and hard to come to terms with our relationships with our fathers.

It’s my hope that exploring our past lifetimes with the men who “fathered” us might shed some light on those issues that are still unresolved to bring us new clarity and insight into who we are today.

The Lessons Our Mothers Were Meant to Teach Us

Mon, 08 May 2017 00:39:39 GMT

In the last few weeks alone, I’ve heard one client tell me that she and her mother are more
like sisters, and another tell me that her mom acts more like her daughter than her mother. I have one male client who unequivocally declared that his mom is his best friend and biggest supporter. An adolescent boy insisted that mom loves another son more, while two middle-aged women have said that a step-mom or adoptive mom favored her birth children.

The relationship we have with our mothers is often complicated, and is likely to undergo many changes throughout our lifetimes. The same mom who you thought “hung the moon” when you were little, was probably the overbearing and overprotective mother you rebelled against during your teen years. Your reliable rock of a mother may have been your steadfast support system while you raised your own children, only to become needier and even childlike in her old age.

We chose our mothers - and the lessons we're supposed to learn.

The reasons why we chose these particular women to be our mothers, and the lessons we’ve opted to learn by being their offspring, may very well be found in our past-life relationships. Our mothers today might have been our children in another lifetime. They might have been our husbands, friends and relatives. They might have been our teachers or our students, our bosses or our employees. One thing is clear, however: the relationship was no accident. Our choice of mothers was a deliberate decision made to help us grow and evolve.

My own mother was still a teenager when she became pregnant with me. She and my father lived with her parents until it became clear to my mom that they had to move out if she ever wanted to be a mother in her own right – yet she always lived near my grandmother and relied on her for support and guidance. My poor mom suffered through my “hippie” rebellious years, was embarrassed by my bra-burning women’s lib years, and was mortified by my being the first woman in the family (indeed, in the whole neighborhood!) to move in with my boyfriend without getting married. She didn’t understand my social views, my metaphysical beliefs or my decision to homeschool my son. Yet she defended me fiercely and – although she never told me so – her friends all report that she was proud of my independent nature and successes. We became inseparable best friends late in life, and eventually I became her caretaker.

So I can identify with my clients when they complain about their mothers. I can relate to them when they feel unappreciated or unloved. I can join in with those who sing their mom’s praises. And I can share the sadness of those mourning the loss of a mother.

Exploring the roots of your relationship with your mom can offer you new insights.

Most rewarding of all, though past-life regression, I can help my clients gain some insights into the important life lessons their relationships with their mothers may have given them.

Sisters and Brothers, Now and Then

Tue, 11 Apr 2017 15:45:13 GMT

“You know, Sis – You’re NOT my mother!”

I heard my kid brother say that countless times when we were growing up.

In many ways, I always thought I was his mother. As an only child, I begged my parents to give me a little brother. I was just five years old when they brought him home from the hospital. I so clearly remember how they put a pillow on my lap and laid him down so I could hold him. My baby was finally home! Over the years I fed him, dressed him, read to him, played with him, and yes, occasionally fought with him. As we grew up, I protected him, intervened for him, and even lied to our parents for him. I’m sure he most remembers the times I bossed him around – but does he also remember how much I adored him?

In therapy at age 50, I was regressed to explore the roots of a terrible trauma I was experiencing. Under hypnosis, my subconscious mind found its way back to a time when I was listening behind a locked door to my brother crying as Dad was punishing him for some misdeed, and my mind was screaming “Stop hurting my baby!!!” in outrage. It came as no surprise to later discover through past life regression that I actually was his mother in a lifetime we shared during the 1800's.

Our brothers and sisters offer us early – and later – life lessons.

Whether they were born to our same parents, came to us through adoption or by way of a stepmother or father, we chose to incarnate in this lifetime with our siblings for many reasons. Our brothers and sisters often provide our first experiences (good or bad) with social interaction: learning to share our possessions, our secrets, our friends, our joys and our sorrows.

Depending upon the karma we bring into this lifetime, our siblings can be our dearest friends or our most frustrating adversaries. They can be our biggest supporters or our personal tormentors. The younger sister that competes with you in every aspect of your life may have been a rival of yours in ancient Rome. The older brother who taught you to love books and music may have been your favorite teacher during the Renaissance. Past lives in which we were lonely might cause us to be born into a large, noisy family. Past lives in which we had to fight for attention from our parents might make us decide to be only children in the next life.

Good, bad or indifferent - our sibling relationships are often our longest ones.

For most people, siblings offer the longest relationships of our entire lives – lasting longer than our relationships with parents, mates and children. We may love them, hate them or disregard them entirely, but we can’t ignore the impact our siblings have had on who we are today.

Exploring the past lives we’ve shared with our siblings can shed light on those important relationships that so often shape who we become as adults. Recovering those past-life memories may aid us in resolving conflicts with a sister or brother, help us to understand them better, or lead us to develop more harmonious family relationships in the future.