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How hypnotherapy can help to raise self-esteem in children, tweens and teens.  Contrary to popular belief, self-confidence and high self-esteem don’t necessarily go hand-in-hand. Self-esteem can suffer even if we are confident in our own strengths, receive praise for our achievements or talents or are publicly recognized for our accomplishments. In fact, low self-esteem may not be immediately evident to the outside observer, particularly when someone seems fairly confident in his or her athletic or academic abilities, skills and aptitudes. There are so many factors that can impact one’s self-esteem – how much we privately appreciate and value ourselves. Those who hold themselves in high regard see themselves in a positive light. Those who lack self-esteem secretly view themselves as unworthy. For children, tweens and teens, the effects of low self-esteem can be overwhelming. They may obsess about what they perceive as their weaknesses. They may be overly afraid to make mistakes, worry about making or maintaining friendships, succumb to unreasonable peer pressure, become reluctant to try new activities, or have a debilitating fear of failure. As a hypnotherapist, my goal is to help your child replace his or her negative subconscious messages with positive feelings of self-worth and acceptance. Learning disabilities often result in a lack of self-worth.
By all reports, my young client Steven was a bright, adventurous and fun-loving toddler and preschooler. A proficient swimmer by the time he was two years old, he spent his early summer days from dawn till dusk at the community pool making friends with children and charming adults. As he grew older, Steven happily played with his brother and their mutual friends, and entertained his parents and large extended family with jokes, riddles and lively conversation. Steven’s self-esteem took a major hit in first and second grade when he realized all of his classmates were reading while he struggled to keep up. He became quiet in class, fearful of making mistakes or looking “dumb.” Eventually diagnosed with attention deficit disorder (ADD) and its associated learning disabilities, Steven was placed in remedial classes – effectively marking him as different from his brother and the other boys in school. This bright star‘s inner light grew dimmer and was all but extinguished by the time I saw him in his early teens. Steven’s circle of friends now only included troubled outcasts. He rarely spoke to adults. He refused to join town and school sports. His hopes and dreams for a bright future were a thing of the past. 'It’s important for our children to understand and value their own unique traits and talents.' It’s vital to our feelings of self-worth that we recognize our own strengths, even if they aren’t the ones most celebrated by our peer group or by society in general. It’s even more important for our children to understand and value their own unique traits and talents. Steven’s learning disabilities became the yardstick by which he measured himself, rather than by his strengths – his natural athleticism, his sense of humor, his ability to communicate well and his strong interpersonal intelligence. By middle-school, Steven had become sullen and unwilling to try anything new. During our initial hypnotherapy sessions, I focused on helping Steven accept his learning disability as a hurdle he could overcome with hard work and raising his feelings of self-worth. To my immense delight, Steven’s mom soon reported that she hadn’t seen his eyes shine so brightly since kindergarten, and that he was becoming animated and even “chatty.” Even though the start of each new school year brought his feelings of low self-esteem back, Steven continued to work diligently over the years and proudly graduated high school with his class. Changes in behavior or attitude are important clues about how your child values him or herself. At 17 years old, Mitchell was probably the most hard-working young man I’ve ever seen in my practice. In fact, it was difficult to find time to schedule our appointments between his afterschool job and basketball practice. A past honors student, I questioned when he had found time to study, only to discover that he was a gifted student and hadn’t previously found his high-school course-load very challenging. He was self-confident and outgoing without seeming to be self-impressed. Mitchell’s mom brought him to me because he was habitually arriving late for work, his grades were suddenly dropping and she had caught him sneaking out with her car late at night and lying about his whereabouts. A sudden lack of interest in school coupled with sneaky behavior often points to deeper issues. My experience suggested two possible explanations: the discovery of girls and sex and/or drinking and drugs. 'A sudden lack of interest in school coupled with sneaky behavior often points to deeper issues.' The problem turned out to be drugs – but more than that, how getting involved in drugs affected Mitchell’s self-esteem. In our first session, Mitchell admitted that he was smoking ‘weed’ extensively, indiscriminately taking pharmaceuticals and drinking to excess, and was no longer putting any effort into schoolwork or in sports. He complained that high school was “all about who’s most popular and who has the most material possessions,” which he found very off-putting. Even so, Mitchell was a popular and well-liked member of his peer group. After a couple of hypnotherapy sessions designed to help Mitchell achieve his goals of ‘reinventing’ himself, it became apparent he was still sabotaging himself. We just didn’t know why. Parts Therapy, a hypnosis technique that enables both the part of the subconscious mind that would like to change and the part that’s preventing the change to speak up and resolve inner conflicts, shed light on the dilemma Mitchell was facing. At the beginning of his Parts Therapy session, Mitchell stated clearly that he wanted to “get back on the right path, and do the right things to succeed and excel in all areas.” Under hypnosis, that part that named itself Success was adamant that Mitchell needed a “new environment.” It declared in no-uncertain terms that he had to remove himself from his current drug-using friends (and maybe even his high school!) in order to succeed. The conflicting part named itself Blockage, and stated it wanted Mitchell to have fun and “live in the moment” like his buddies were doing. On the surface, this seemed to me to be an age-old conflict experienced by many teenagers. Most telling, however, was a simple lament made by the Success part before the end of the session: “I’m supposed to be the shepherd, not the sheep. I’m supposed to be strong enough to be a role model and steer my friends away from drugs!” 'The inability to stand strong in the face of peer pressure can erode self-esteem.' The need to conform and be a part of the group is common during the teen years. For some young people, being unable to stand strong in the face of peer pressure can erode self-esteem. Even after hearing his subconscious mind declare that he needed to leave his old life behind, Mitchell was unwilling to remove himself from his environment, friends and senior year activities. Mitchell’s inability to stay strong and do what he saw as right, not only by himself but by his friends, took a terrible toll on how he valued himself – which, in turn, made him more likely to seek solace in drugs and alcohol abuse. Although I was able to get the two parts to agree to work together help Mitchell “stay on the right path” during our Parts Therapy session, it took him months to finally find a way to show his mom how much he was struggling and enlist her aid in restoring his ability to feel good about himself. Identifying low self-esteem is the first hurdle when working with young people. Children, especially teenagers, are particularly good at hiding their low self-esteem. They may be acting out in secret, away from home and family. They may seem to be deliberately rebellious or stubbornly attached to negative behaviors. Unlike the adults who generally come to me with some degree of willingness to share how they think they feel about themselves, young people often lack self-awareness or are unwilling to admit their secret self-doubts. When working with younger clients, my first job as a hypnotherapist is to look at the current behaviors and work backwards to try to evaluate how they appreciate and value themselves. From there, I use hypnosis to discover the cause of low self-esteem and do my best to raise their privately-held beliefs about their self-worth. Note: Names and details have been changed to maintain the anonymity of my young clients. * * * In my experience as a Certified Advanced Clinical Hypnotherapist, it’s become apparent that low self-esteem often begins in childhood. I’ve treated clients of all ages who seemed confident in their abilities and talents, yet held themselves in low regard. Those negative evaluations of worthiness are so often the cause of self-sabotage and even depression, affecting relationships, work and friendships. If you or a member of your family is suffering from an seemingly unexplained negative behaviors that you suspect may be caused by low self-esteem, hypnotherapy may help bolster feelings of self-worth and personal value. Conveniently located in northern New Jersey’s Passaic County, my Ringwood office is just minutes from both Bergen County NJ and Rockland Country in New York. For more information on how hypnosis can increase self-esteem, call me at 973-657-0571 for a free, no-obligation, phone consultation, or send me a message below.
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How this soccer goalie regained her self-confidence after remembering a past coach's criticisms  Self-confidence, the faith you have in yourself and your abilities, is defined by your values, beliefs and personal philosophy. It works hand-in-hand with your self-esteem – how much you appreciate and like yourself. Having a strong sense of self-confidence and positive self-esteem not only affects how you think and act, they affect how you feel about others and how successful you are in life. Simply put, self-confident people have expectations that are realistic. Even when some of their expectations are not met, they continue to accept themselves and to maintain a positive frame of mind. Yet even the most self-confident person experiences a lack of confidence at some time or another. A lack of self-confidence isn’t necessarily related to a lack of ability or intelligence. It’s often the result of paying too much attention to the expectations of the people in authority in one’s life, the opinions of one’s peers, or on the standards set by society. But sometimes, it’s our hidden mind, our subconscious, that’s holding on to the cause of our lack of self-confidence. Sometimes even the strongest self-confidence is met with debilitating self-doubt Christie, a high school soccer goalie, came to me hoping that I could help her become quicker, faster, smarter and more confident as a player. She was clearly aware of her own natural athleticism as well as her ability as a goal-keeper to give good direction to her teammates and to stay one step ahead of everything happening on the field. In fact, she planned to make soccer her career, either as a coach, a manager or a sports psychologist. With a strong desire to be the best athlete she could be, Christie wasn’t sure what was holding her back from improving her skills. More striking to me, though, was when she lamented that, even with her many past triumphs over the years, she sometimes hesitated when the play of action was in the box. Christie’s dad was a former soccer player, and her mom was a strong advocate for her daughter who attended every game and was her best cheerleader. Her parents weren’t sure if she was hesitating because she was afraid of being hurt or because she was afraid that she might make a wrong decision causing her to give up a goal. The fear of being hurt was warranted: she’d been injured multiple times, the last time resulting in a concussion. The fear of not being able to make the right call was also well-founded. Christie admitted that her occasional mistakes during soccer practices made her frustrated, resulting in her “going silent” and “beating herself up internally” instead of being able to rebound and continue to play well. Although, according to her coach, Christie had strong skills and was a smart strategic player, he noticed that she became suddenly indecisive after being scored on by the opposing team. Her coach was understandably hesitant to play her in important matches, where a goalie’s split-second decisions can be game-changing. 'Many years ago, my hypnotherapy teacher warned me NEVER to assume I knew the cause of a client’s issues.' Uncovering the root cause of an issue to remove stumbling blocks to success We began Christie’s hypnotherapy with hypnotic suggestions to increase her motivation to exercise and practice her skills (outside of team practices) that I’ve had success using for athletes in the past. She left those sessions looking more determined than ever to work on her skills – but never seemed to get very far on her own. It was time to figure out what was holding Christie back from success: fear of injury or lack of confidence in her abilities. Personally, I also wondered if having a dad who was soccer coach was causing Christie to doubt her own talents. I had my suspicions, but many years ago my hypnotherapy teacher warned me never to assume I knew the cause of a client’s issues. In Christie’s case, the investigation into what the subconscious mind was “thinking” was ultimately revealing. Using hypnosis to resolve inner conflicts through 'Parts Therapy' The concept behind the hypnotherapeutic technique commonly known as Parts Therapy is that we all have many “parts” – happy and sad, courageous and fearful, silly and solemn – but that sometimes the parts are in conflict and working against each other, preventing the change the client wants to make. At the start of the session, we ask the client to consciously state the issue he or she is hoping to resolve. Then we begin by using hypnosis to relax the client’s mind and body, much like any guided-meditation. Once the client is comfortably relaxed, we ask the part of his or her mind that is motivating the client to change a feeling or behavior to tell us what it’s trying to achieve. Then we ask the part of the subconscious mind that’s preventing success to tell us what it is doing. My role as a hypnotherapist is to help the parts resolve the conflicts. Christie’s goal was concise and to the point. She wanted to be “motivated, confident and consistent as a goalie.” Her hope was three-fold:
Resolving the conflicts between motivation and self-sabotage Her motivating part spoke to us first. It sang Christie’s praises as a teenage athlete who had the skills to be a truly great goalie. It admitted, however, that another part of Christie was “scared she won’t make it as far as she wants.”  Her conficting part was younger and less sure of itself. Stuck in Christie’s middle-school memory, it recalled a previous soccer coach who was tough and often derisive, training the younger players as if they were professionals with stronger egos and tougher skins. This coach had split the team into the “better and worse” players – placing Christie in the latter group, saying she wasn’t good enough to play. Even though Christie was angry and determined to prove him wrong at the time, he planted the seed of doubt in her mind. Now, every time Christie makes a mistake on the field, the conflicting part reminds her of the previous coach’s scathing comments on her abilities. No wonder she shuts down and loses her confidence!
It only took minutes to get Christie’s conflicting part to agree with the motivating part’s assessment of her talents and potential. It took a bit longer to convince the parts that if they joined forces, they had the power to bolster her confidence and allow her to regroup when the opposing team scored on her. We named the new duo “Confident Goalie” and got its agreement to help Christie realize her objective to become more a confident athlete. Accentuating the Positive, Eliminating the Negative Traditionally, hypnosis uses the power of positive suggestion to eliminate negative thoughts, feelings and behaviors. In the case of this amazing soccer-goalie, she had to dig deep to identify the negative message that was shouting so loudly in her subconscious mind before the positive suggestions could be heard. When I was a child, Johnny Mercer and The Pied Pipers recorded a song called Accentuate the Positive. The opening lines have always stayed in my mind: “You've got to accentuate the positive Eliminate the negative Latch on to the affirmative Don't mess with Mister In-Between” After all these years, I still think it’s a great reminder on how to maintain healthy feelings of self-confidence. Note: Names and details have been changed to protect the future of this star-athlete. - - - In my experience as a Certified Advanced Clinical Hypnotherapist, Christie’s story about a lack of confidence in her abilities isn’t at all unusual. For some reason, our sub-conscious minds remember every mistake, embarrassment or failure rather than our successes, causing us to lose confidence in ourselves and our abilities. I’ve met struggling students who, under hypnosis, remember one particular teacher that criticized them unfairly, instead of the many teachers that have praised their accomplishments. I have treated a teen who had trouble socializing because of the one “mean” adult who embarrassed him in front of other children at a birthday party many years ago. And I’ve recently met a woman whose difficulty with weight dates back to being told by her mom that she was “too fat” to have dessert after dinner. It’s evident that even a seemingly innocent remark can cause children to doubt themselves. The ego is sometimes very fragile, and the words and actions of the adults in authority can have a profound effect on the self-confidence and self-esteem of a child. Those negative messages, buried (but not forgotten) in the subconscious mind, may be sabotaging us from living our best possible lives. If you or a member of your family is suffering from an unexplained lack confidence, hypnotherapy may help uncover the hidden root of the problem. Conveniently located in northern New Jersey's Passaic County, my Ringwood office is just minutes from both Bergen County NJ and Rockland County in New York. For more information on how hypnosis can increase confidence and self-esteem, call me at 973-657-0571 for a free, no-obligation, phone consultation, or send me a message below. |
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