Self-Esteem in Young People – Privately Held Beliefs About Self-Worth

How hypnotherapy can help to raise self-esteem in children, tweens and teens.

Contrary to popular belief, self-confidence and high self-esteem don’t necessarily go hand-in-hand. Self-esteem can suffer even if we are confident in our own strengths, receive praise for our achievements or talents or are publicly recognized for our accomplishments. In fact, low self-esteem may not be immediately evident to the outside observer, particularly when someone seems fairly confident in his or her athletic or academic abilities, skills and aptitudes. 
     There are so many factors that can impact one’s self-esteem – how much we privately appreciate and value ourselves. Those who hold themselves in high regard see themselves in a positive light. Those who lack self-esteem secretly view themselves as unworthy. 
     For children, tweens and teens, the effects of low self-esteem can be overwhelming. They may obsess about what they perceive as their weaknesses. They may be overly afraid to make mistakes, worry about making or maintaining friendships, succumb to unreasonable peer pressure, become reluctant to try new activities, or have a debilitating fear of failure. 
​     As a hypnotherapist, my goal is to help your child replace his or her negative subconscious messages with positive feelings of self-worth and acceptance.

---

Learning disabilities often result in a lack of self-worth.

By all reports, my young client Steven was a bright, adventurous and fun-loving toddler and preschooler. A proficient swimmer by the time he was two years old, he spent his early summer days from dawn till dusk at the community pool making friends with children and charming adults. As he grew older, Steven happily played with his brother and their mutual friends, and entertained his parents and large extended family with jokes, riddles and lively conversation. Steven’s self-esteem took a major hit in first and second grade when he realized all of his classmates were reading while he struggled to keep up. He became quiet in class, fearful of making mistakes or looking “dumb.” Eventually diagnosed with attention deficit disorder (ADD) and its associated learning disabilities, Steven was placed in remedial classes – effectively marking him as different from his brother and the other boys in school.

This bright star‘s inner light grew dimmer and was all but extinguished by the time I saw him in his early teens. Steven’s circle of friends now only included troubled outcasts. He rarely spoke to adults. He refused to join town and school sports. His hopes and dreams for a bright future were a thing of the past.

'It’s important for our children to understand and value their own unique traits and talents.'

It’s vital to our feelings of self-worth that we recognize our own strengths, even if they aren’t the ones most celebrated by our peer group or by society in general. It’s even more important for our children to understand and value their own unique traits and talents. Steven’s learning disabilities became the yardstick by which he measured himself, rather than by his strengths – his natural athleticism, his sense of humor, his ability to communicate well and his strong interpersonal intelligence. By middle-school, Steven had become sullen and unwilling to try anything new.

During our initial hypnotherapy sessions, I focused on helping Steven accept his learning disability as a hurdle he could overcome with hard work and raising his feelings of self-worth. To my immense delight, Steven’s mom soon reported that she hadn’t seen his eyes shine so brightly since kindergarten, and that he was becoming animated and even “chatty.” Even though the start of each new school year brought his feelings of low self-esteem back, Steven continued to work diligently over the years and proudly graduated high school with his class.

Changes in behavior or attitude are important clues about how your child values him or herself.

At 17 years old, Mitchell was probably the most hard-working young man I’ve ever seen in my practice. In fact, it was difficult to find time to schedule our appointments between his afterschool job and basketball practice. A past honors student, I questioned when he had found time to study, only to discover that he was a gifted student and hadn’t previously found his high-school course-load very challenging. He was self-confident and outgoing without seeming to be self-impressed.  Mitchell’s mom brought him to me because he was habitually arriving late for work, his grades were suddenly dropping and she had caught him sneaking out with her car late at night and lying about his whereabouts. A sudden lack of interest in school coupled with sneaky behavior often points to deeper issues. My experience suggested two possible explanations: the discovery of girls and sex and/or drinking and drugs.

'A sudden lack of interest in school coupled with sneaky behavior often points to deeper issues.'

​The problem turned out to be drugs – but more than that, how getting involved in drugs affected Mitchell’s self-esteem. In our first session, Mitchell admitted that he was smoking ‘weed’ extensively, indiscriminately taking pharmaceuticals and drinking to excess, and was no longer putting any effort into schoolwork or in sports. He complained that high school was “all about who’s most popular and who has the most material possessions,” which he found very off-putting. Even so, Mitchell was a popular and well-liked member of his peer group. After a couple of hypnotherapy sessions designed to help Mitchell achieve his goals of ‘reinventing’ himself, it became apparent he was still sabotaging himself. We just didn’t know why.

Parts Therapy, a hypnosis technique that enables both the part of the subconscious mind that would like to change and the part that’s preventing the change to speak up and resolve inner conflicts, shed light on the dilemma Mitchell was facing. At the beginning of his Parts Therapy session, Mitchell stated clearly that he wanted to “get back on the right path, and do the right things to succeed and excel in all areas.” Under hypnosis, that part that named itself Success was adamant that Mitchell needed a “new environment.” It declared in no-uncertain terms that he had to remove himself from his current drug-using friends (and maybe even his high school!) in order to succeed. The conflicting part named itself Blockage, and stated it wanted Mitchell to have fun and “live in the moment” like his buddies were doing. On the surface, this seemed to me to be an age-old conflict experienced by many teenagers. Most telling, however, was a simple lament made by the Success part before the end of the session: “I’m supposed to be the shepherd, not the sheep. I’m supposed to be strong enough to be a role model and steer my friends away from drugs!”

'The inability to stand strong in the face of peer pressure can erode self-esteem.'

The need to conform and be a part of the group is common during the teen years. For some young people, being unable to stand strong in the face of peer pressure can erode self-esteem. Even after hearing his subconscious mind declare that he needed to leave his old life behind, Mitchell was unwilling to remove himself from his environment, friends and senior year activities. Mitchell’s inability to stay strong and do what he saw as right, not only by himself but by his friends, took a terrible toll on how he valued himself – which, in turn, made him more likely to seek solace in drugs and alcohol abuse. Although I was able to get the two parts to agree to work together help Mitchell “stay on the right path” during our Parts Therapy session, it took him months to finally find a way to show his mom how much he was struggling and enlist her aid in restoring his ability to feel good about himself.

Identifying low self-esteem is the first hurdle when working with young people.
 
Children, especially teenagers, are particularly good at hiding their low self-esteem. They may be acting out in secret, away from home and family. They may seem to be deliberately rebellious or stubbornly attached to negative behaviors. Unlike the adults who generally come to me with some degree of willingness to share how they think they feel about themselves, young people often lack self-awareness or are unwilling to admit their secret self-doubts.
 
When working with younger clients, my first job as a hypnotherapist is to look at the current behaviors and work backwards to try to evaluate how they appreciate and value themselves. From there, I use hypnosis to discover the cause of low self-esteem and do my best to raise their privately-held beliefs about their self-worth. 
 
Note: Names and details have been changed to maintain the anonymity of my young clients.
 
* * *
 
In my experience as a Certified Advanced Clinical Hypnotherapist, it’s become apparent that low self-esteem often begins in childhood. I’ve treated clients of all ages who seemed confident in their abilities and talents, yet held themselves in low regard. Those negative evaluations of worthiness are so often the cause of self-sabotage and even depression, affecting relationships, work and friendships.
 
If you or a member of your family is suffering from an seemingly unexplained negative behaviors that you suspect may be caused by low self-esteem, hypnotherapy may help bolster feelings of self-worth and personal value. Conveniently located in northern New Jersey’s Passaic County, my Ringwood office is just minutes from both Bergen County NJ and Rockland Country in New York. For more information on how hypnosis can increase self-esteem, call me at 973-657-0571 for a free, no-obligation, phone consultation, or send me a message below.